Don’t Be “That Person”
I occasionally visit various technical chat sites online to get input on physics or math problems I’m trying to solve. There’s a vibrant community of sophisticated amateurs who post on a gamut of esoteric topics, and when you piece some of these posts together, you can often get what you need to move forward toward a solution. It’s a wonderful aspect of digital technology to be able to pick up a mathematical concept you need or can't quite figure out.
Yet, even though most people are generous with their time and expertise, there’s a sub-culture of people who constantly slam the intellectual prowess of others. These so-called math and physics experts berate the very people trying to help others learn and grow. Perhaps a poster’s information isn’t perfect. Or their proofs are incomplete. Or their interpretation is off a bit. It happens. But these well-intentioned posters are trying to help other people learn—and they may still be learning themselves. It’s one thing to acknowledge their efforts and amend their suggestion. For some people, though, that’s not enough. Call them trolls. Call them snobs or chat board vigilantes. Call them whatever you want. In the end, they’re so downright nasty, they make other people afraid to post for fear of being shamed.
Please don’t be that person. And if you’re reading this, you’re probably not.
My point here is this: there’s meanness, cruelty, and unkindness in too many parts of our lives. In the professional world, there’s a significant amount of gamesmanship and cutthroat behavior. When I was in academia, I thought it was endemic to the publish-or-parish, tenure-at-all-costs culture of university life. Then I shifted to medicine and observed the same behaviors. Grind, climb, and denigrate anyone in the way. I thought maybe academia and medicine were unusually intense professions. But then I saw the same behaviors in finance, venture capital, and private equity. At that point, I became convinced people under extreme duress, who feel existentially and personally threatened, will resort to undesirable—and unfortunate—behaviors.
Frankly, this is the toughest aspect of my job. When money, careers, reputation, and livelihood are on the line, people often subordinate kindness to winning. In certain circumstances, we believe we can’t afford to be kind. We need to prevail. We throw punches, disseminate vitriol towards others, and berate our counterparts and peers. Of course, most financial deals don’t devolve this way.
But most is not all.
The few situations that do degrade to this level of conduct take a disproportionate amount of energy out of everyone. It’s not worth it. Whether you believe in karma, good business practice, the law of reciprocity, regression to the mean, or the notion that people do business with people they like, in the long run you’ll grind yourself down by taking this approach and burn many bridges. Reputation is far more important in the long run than earning an extra buck in the short term.
Yes, you’ll take hits and losses along the way. You’ll be subjected to injustices and feel wronged and cheated. You’ll be bullied and taken advantage of. I'm sorry for this. I understand. I’ve been there my fair share of times. But here’s the thing: If you stay calm, poised, kind, considerate, complementary, and smiley, it not only disarms others, it gives you the upper hand—all while allowing you to maintain your integrity and dignity. You won’t always win the battle, but you will be less battered and bruised when you face the next one.