It’s The Delivery That Matters
It's not what you ask for so much as how you ask for it. Form matters. Notice how a comedian focuses on timing, intonation, and body language, rather than simply stating a joke. The first approach gets a laugh, the second a yawn.
All our interactions in life are impacted heavily by context and delivery. If you approach someone at the wrong time, when they’re not in a mindset to entertain your request, you’re assured of a negative response. Yet, if you catch someone in a good mood, and butter them up a bit, you might get an affirmative response—even when the substance of your argument didn’t merit it. Multiply this across all your requests and queries, then imagine the impact delivery can have on your success in work and in life.
But what comprises strong delivery and how do you achieve it?
The starting point—as is the case with all principles—is to acknowledge that delivery is important. It’s amazing how much simple awareness buys us in terms of impact. The power is so great, that even if you acknowledged that delivery matters, and failed to explore the matter further, your mind would still subconsciously begin to find and identify better delivery mechanisms.
That said, let’s do better than acknowledgment. As a general principle, start with a smile and a pleasantry. Add in some humor, if you’re inspired. It’s simple yet effective. People’s mirror neurons start firing and they’re inclined to reciprocate in kind. If you behave generously to someone, they will be inclined to treat you the same way. So don’t just dive into what you want from someone, start by developing rapport.
My kids are naturals at getting whatever they want out of me. As soon as I hear the word “Daddy,” I start digging my hand into my pocket to get out my wallet. I’m well trained. Even though I know when they’re flattering me to get something, I fall for it every time. It’s not what they ask for that makes them so convincing. It’s who they are. It’s how they approach me. And it’s what they mean to me.
This principle extends to high-stakes professional scenarios, including business transactions. You can ask for the same term in a deal in two different ways and get entirely different answers. If you haven’t yet established trust, asking for anything of substance will be a challenge. But if you’re liked and known, and have a strong working relationship, you’ll have the latitude to ask for more.
When you do ask, make sure that you’re offering as many benefits to the counterparty as you’re trying to extract. We all want to know, “What’s in it for me?” If that signal isn’t amplified, people are unlikely to be sympathetic to your demand. Lead with their benefit and keep your gain implicit, if possible.
Often, when you’re asking a question or making a request in a business environment, you’re trying to offer the answer alongside the question. Yet if you can get the counterparty to articulate the answer you want, they’re far more likely to buy into the solution. It will feel like it was their idea. As such, don’t take credit for the idea, even if you planted it. Accentuate that what’s being contemplated is actually their idea. People will be much more invested in an idea they see as their own.
Far too often we get caught up in the content of our requests and forget that the delivery matters as much—or even more—than the actual ask. Timing, diction, rapport, and body language can play an equal, if not greater role, than the request itself. The most effective individuals, both personally and professionally, have a phenomenal way of interrelating with people and being able to deliver an idea, a request, or even bad news in a way that builds trust and engenders positive feelings. Next time you’re about to ask someone for something—whether it’s your boss, a colleague, or your significant other—think through your delivery. Then see if your results were improved!