Ego Sum Qui Sum

Ask yourself this: Who am I?

When you give it some thought, you’ll likely realize how difficult it is to define coherently and functionally who you are. Being literal and describing the extent of your anatomy and physiology is a part of the answer. But this tends to leave us unsatisfied as to our true essence. We can start naming all the things we value, we identify with, our dispositions, likes, dislikes, and what not, yet that seems like it’s skirting the issue.

In many ways, it’s easier to define what isn’t us. We can point to a brick retaining wall of a building across the street and say, “That’s not me.” As obvious as that statement is, there are other less obvious statements you can make about what is not you. To a great extent, one of these things is your ego.

Other than a term we identify with Freudianism—alongside the id and the superego—our ego is loosely associated with our sense of self-worth. When someone makes a disparaging remark about us, we may say it bruised our ego. When we fail publicly, we could say it hurt our ego. When we vigorously defend ourselves when others point out our flaws, we can claim we’re protecting our ego. If you take a moment and ponder all the hard work you do in defense and support of your ego, you’ll come to the conclusion that it’s of critical importance to you.

But is it really?

In truth, your ego is a contrivance. It has no physical existence. It’s actually a construct we create to encompass our sense of self-worth and pride. What if you gave yourself the latitude to relax your attention to your ego? What if the broader perception of your competency was of lesser importance to you? How might this benefit you?

We don’t need to allow other people’s words or actions to adversely impact us. It’s possible to moderate the influence that others have on us and choose to process their input in any way we want. People often make injurious or deriding comments because they’re insecure or don't feel adequate themselves. What if you let these comments slide off of you and restrained yourself from getting defensive? Perhaps you can even appeal to the other person's ego and make them feel more secure.

The fact is, if you’re no longer beholden to protecting this contrived ego, you could focus on what really matters to you. Our ego gets in the way of so many things in our lives. It prevents us from taking accountability when we should. It promotes arguments, often with people we care deeply about. I know people who have sustained arguments for years with their parents and siblings, because of their ego. Think of how much of their lives is comprised of wasted opportunities for deep connection because they’re protecting an illusion.

You are not your ego. Your true sense of self-worth isn’t your ego. That deep sense of self is steeped in compassion, authenticity, and even vulnerability, and doesn't get perturbed by the slights and insults that shake the ego. In this way, our ego is an imposter. Sometimes, it’s a well-meaning imposter that tries to protect us. But all too often, it does more harm than good.

Maybe we’re negotiating a deal in good faith. This is a big deal, one that can change the trajectory of our business or career. But then we can be flustered by insults, accusations, and insinuations by a counter party. You’d be surprised how often this happens in my industry, venture capital. I admit, I have a propensity to get thrown off center, which invariably leads me to get frustrated, indignant, and angry. This, in turn, leads to exhausting and unproductive emotions, rather than simply trying to manage the situation as best I can. Over time, I’ve learned that these reactions are not part of me. They come from the artifice called ego. This ego more resembles a drunk bodyguard with no self-defense experience than a former special ops officer with extensive security training. In other words, it’s more show than actual protection.

Often in life, the best course of action is to let it go, eliminate the need to defend yourself from other people’s diatribes, and instead take the high road. Their words aren’t harming you. They’re just words. So, who really cares? Next time you try to vigorously defend your ego, pause and ponder what you’re actually protecting? How much of your mental and emotional health are you willing to sacrifice to defend an apparition, an illusion, a mirage? As you catch yourself protecting your ego, you’ll begin to recognize that it isn’t you. You can stand apart from it. You can analyze it. And you can even let it go.

This is true liberation.