Want It? Give It

I love a great paradox, a phenomenon in life that seems contrary to what we expect. Though much of conventional wisdom proves to be true, we occasionally discover truths that surprise us. One of my favorite non-intuitive principles is to give what you don’t have. Or put another way, give what you want to get. If you want to be loved, find people to love. If you want to be treated generously, practice treating others generously. If you want to be respected, afford others' respect. If you want to be treated kindly, treat others kindly.

This construct is remarkably powerful when negotiating deal structures. Most people assume the best way to maximize your stake in a deal is to escalate your demands. But rather than taking an adversarial position, making some concessions upfront and focusing on the needs of your counterparty is more likely to get you what you want. If there are things you’re particularly keen on including in a given agreement, start by making sure the other party's critical needs are met first.

In truth, your ego is a contrivance. It has no physical existence. It’s actually a construct we create to encompass our sense of self-worth and pride. What if you gave yourself the latitude to relax your attention to your ego? What if the broader perception of your competency was of lesser importance to you? How might this benefit you?

We don’t need to allow other people’s words or actions to adversely impact us. It’s possible to moderate the influence that others have on us and choose to process their input in any way we want. People often make injurious or deriding comments because they’re insecure or don't feel adequate themselves. What if you let these comments slide off of you and restrained yourself from getting defensive? Perhaps you can even appeal to the other person's ego and make them feel more secure.

The fact is, if you’re no longer beholden to protecting this contrived ego, you could focus on what really matters to you. Our ego gets in the way of so many things in our lives. It prevents us from taking accountability when we should. It promotes arguments, often with people we care deeply about. I know people who have sustained arguments for years with their parents and siblings, because of their ego. Think of how much of their lives is comprised of wasted opportunities for deep connection because they’re protecting an illusion.

You are not your ego. Your true sense of self-worth isn’t your ego. That deep sense of self is steeped in compassion, authenticity, and even vulnerability, and doesn't get perturbed by the slights and insults that shake the ego. In this way, our ego is an imposter. Sometimes, it’s a well-meaning imposter that tries to protect us. But all too often, it does more harm than good.

Maybe we’re negotiating a deal in good faith. This is a big deal, one that can change the trajectory of our business or career. But then we can be flustered by insults, accusations, and insinuations by a counter party. You’d be surprised how often this happens in my industry, venture capital. I admit, I have a propensity to get thrown off center, which invariably leads me to get frustrated, indignant, and angry. This, in turn, leads to exhausting and unproductive emotions, rather than simply trying to manage the situation as best I can. Over time, I’ve learned that these reactions are not part of me. They come from the artifice called ego. This ego more resembles a drunk bodyguard with no self-defense experience than a former special ops officer with extensive security training. In other words, it’s more show than actual protection.

Often in life, the best course of action is to let it go, eliminate the need to defend yourself from other people’s diatribes, and instead take the high road. Their words aren’t harming you. They’re just words. So, who really cares? Next time you try to vigorously defend your ego, pause and ponder what you’re actually protecting? How much of your mental and emotional health are you willing to sacrifice to defend an apparition, an illusion, a mirage? As you catch yourself protecting your ego, you’ll begin to recognize that it isn’t you. You can stand apart from it. You can analyze it. And you can even let it go.

This is true liberation. Most people naturally want to appear at least as decent as the people around them. If they see you act graciously and respectfully, they’ll be inclined to reciprocate. There’s no assurance that everyone will take your cue, yet the odds of people following suit is far higher than if you take the opposite approach. If you remain calm during a conversation, despite discussing a heated topic, your counterpart will find it increasingly hard to remain intensely heated. The tension between the way the two of you comport yourselves will likely become too great for the other person to sustain their agitation. I’ve been surprised by how many people who initially approached me with irrational fervor have become calm when I consistently mirror rational behavior.

The most profound benefits of giving are the intangible. Give someone a sincere compliment and assess how that makes both of you feel. My prediction: this small gesture will have disproportionate benefits for both of you. Despite this, few people make these small gestures. We all want love, connection, and kindness. We can achieve these things by showing appreciation for our families, colleagues, and friends. And we can do this in small yet meaningful ways—yet we still rarely do it.

Why?

For some of us, it might be the concept that “you can't give what you don’t have.” If you don't have compassion for yourself, it can be hard to dig deep and find the wherewithal to express compassion to others. If you don’t treat yourself kindly, particularly with your inner voice, then it can feel unnatural to show authentic kindness to others. Cultivating these character traits in yourself first might enhance your ability to share them with others.

Go ahead, give yourself a complement. Do it out loud. No one is watching. You know exactly what you need to hear, so tell it to yourself. Try saying it both in the first person (I) and the second person (you). Some people need the voice to appear to come from within them, while others prefer to hear the message as if it’s being delivered by someone else. Experiment. If this confers some benefit to you, then find more positive things to say to yourself. If it doesn't work for you, don’t give up. Keep experimenting until you find the message and voice that resonates. It will be a gift of self-love that you have available at all times. We all have plenty of resource-intensive, big-dividend aspirations. The beauty of this exercise is that it requires minimal time and energy—and has no monetary cost. It’s quick, easy, and free.

Once you master the art of giving yourself these small gifts, the next step of expressing gratitude to others will come more easily. Eventually, it will be natural and habitual. It’s like building a tiny habit of connection and belonging. You'll find yourself complimenting and thanking people, noticing even the little things that people do well and calling them out. Although the big benefit is the impact that these comments have on both the receiver and you, there are also tangible benefits. People will be more inclined to collaborate or partner with you. They’ll be more sympathetic to you when you need help. They’ll speak more highly of you to others. They’ll be more inclined to follow your lead and more willing to stick with you during tough times.

A common gripe I hear about young professionals is that they have unreasonable demands in terms of compensation, title escalation, work flexibility, and autonomy. My sense is that although most people value these things—as they should—what they truly value is being valued. They want to know they matter. They want to be celebrated in an authentic way. If you’re disingenuous or offer stock complements, it will come across as insincere. Because of this, it’s important to share what you authentically appreciate in the other person.

All great journeys start with a single small step. No matter how grand our vision, ultimately the only way to get there is by moving that first inch. Inches then become feet, feet turn into yards, yards into miles, and miles into marathons. Start by making a small gesture of gratitude to yourself. It can take five seconds and be in private. But do it out loud. Then challenge yourself to find one person in your life to compliment in a sincere fashion. Start a trend in your family, at your workplace, or in your community. Give what you want to get.