Start with Self-Compassion
People pray for world peace. Or for everyone to love each other. More than anything else, I pray for universal compassion. Compassion for ourselves—and for others.
If you can afford one gift for yourself—one that’s both free and priceless—it would be to have compassion for yourself. Compassion is sympathy for suffering and misfortune, whether it’s your own or someone else’s. Invariably in life, you’ll fall short of your hopes and goals, sometimes profoundly short. You’ll make mistakes and get injured. You’ll feel inadequate. Unfortunately, life is not one smooth upward trajectory.
I spent a decade in medical training, trying to keep my head above water through countless nights on call and long days in the operating room, only to realize I had chosen the wrong profession. When raising capital for my first entrepreneurial expedition, I spent six years hearing an endless stream of deferrals from sophisticated parties. Every fellow human can concoct their own personal list of trials and tribulations they’ve endured.
Having compassion for myself was not something that came easy. I’ve always strived to hit challenging goals, and my sense of self-worth for much of my life was tied to what I was able to accomplish. Telling myself it was okay if I didn't get a good grade, or failed to land a client, or was grumpy with my wife was hard. It didn't feel like it was okay, and I didn't feel worthy of self-compassion at the time. What's the point of having goals if failing to achieve them is an acceptable outcome, right?
It required a lot of coaching and self-work to understand that self-compassion was both something that I—and all of us—deserve, and that it would actually help me achieve my goals. Once I accepted that I was going to repeatedly fall short as long as I challenged myself, I began to accept it as part of the process. I no longer looked at failed investments or being grumpy with my family as inadequacies that were idiosyncratic to me—I began to see them as part of life.
To learn more about self-compassion, take a look at the work of Dr. Kristin Neff. A professor at the University of Texas, Austin, Dr. Neff writes about and teaches courses on self-compassion, including specific techniques for practicing self-compassion. According to Dr. Neff, self-compassion involves treating oneself with the same kindness and understanding that we would offer to a good friend facing difficulties. If a good friend fumbled a presentation or blew a sales call, would you call him or her an idiot and berate them for hours? If not, why do so many of us do it to ourselves?
Self-compassion involves telling yourself, “It’s okay,” or “I can handle this.” Self-compassion involves acknowledging that you are not your mistakes. In reality, we’re all so much more than any outcome we produce, whether favorable or unfavorable. Self-compassion means recognizing that we’re good, whole, and lovable, even when we behave or perform poorly.
Having a self-compassion practice that you engage in on a regular or intermittent basis can be very valuable. It can be as simple as recalling three things you like about yourself. Or recalling an experience that brought you joy. Or thinking about something you achieved that you’re truly proud of. And if you do start hearing that little voice in your head berating you for being a jerk with a friend, think of three other occasions when you showed up for the people close to you. Allow yourself to see the error in your judgment and actions without indicting yourself as a human being.
Yes, it’s important to set high goals for yourself. And it’s tremendously gratifying when you achieve your aims. But it’s also okay when you don’t. It’s okay when you fall or fumble, feel flustered or flummoxed. You’ll have your chance to stand up again and give it another shot. Self-compassion is a vital skill for maintaining mental and emotional wellbeing in our often stressful and demanding world. It fosters resilience and gives us a more balanced perspective on life. Ultimately, self-compassion serves as a foundation for a more fulfilling life. And once you develop compassion for yourself, it’s much easier to develop compassion for others. To read more about compassion for others, keep an eye out for my next post.