Being True to Yourself Is Harder Than You Think
Perhaps the greatest gift you can give yourself is to be truly authentic.
On a superficial level the concept appears self-evident: What else can I be other than myself? Yet far too many of our behaviors and decisions are driven by external factors that don’t align with our most essential values, views, or beliefs about ourselves.
We’re social creatures and live in communion with the people around us. With the advent of smartphones and social media, we’re bombarded with images and messages, many of which are subliminal, telling us what we should look like, value, and strive for. Even people who think they’re engaging in radical self-expression are often doing so within the ethos of their times and environment or as an expression of tribal conformity.
There is much good in common norms, so I’m not advocating that we categorially reject values, mores, or trends. Instead, I’m advocating a comprehensive assessment of the values we espouse and the actions we take to be sure they match—and truly reflect our authentic selves.
To be frank, I have a fair degree of expertise and experience in being inauthentic.
I begrudgingly enrolled in a major in college (engineering) of my parents choosing and ground my way to a degree. I don’t blame my parents whatsoever for this route: they meant well and were providing the best guidance they could. I just didn’t have the voice or maturity to fully appreciate what mattered to me and to adequately advocate for it. I then transitioned from engineering to medicine, but not because I found my true passion. Rather, I figured that many of my most successful peers were going to medical school, business school, or law school. I contemplated all three and decided on medicine as the best choice.
The result? I persevered in medicine for 10 years. And for 10 years, I was unhappy. It wasn’t exactly an exercise in authentic expression.
Why do so many of us follow this same pattern? All things being equal, we’re more likely to succeed and thrive in disciplines we’re passionate about and skilled at. Yet we often subordinate our true talents and innate abilities to social or family pressure. There are strong evolutionary roots to support this. While we seek survival as individuals—Richard Dawkins’s The Selfish Gene is a great read for an introduction to this genetic imperative—we recognize that we need to maneuver within the larger social structure and ecosystem in order to thrive.
Concepts like money, power, and fame have no meaning without others around to admire and envy our achievements. It would be the proverbial sound of one hand clapping. In this way, the lack of authenticity is a cousin of risk aversion and fear of failure. If we take an authentic path and deviate from the norms—and fall short—we fear that we might appear as a failure to our peers and society at large. Both averting risk and conforming to societal norms are ways of mitigating public censure.
To find a more authentic pathway in life, however, we need to overcome this hardwiring and stay true to our own talents and passions. The first step in doing this, of course, is to be aware of our tendency to follow the crowd and seek social approval. The next step is to identify our more authentic desires, values, and behaviors: the topic for my next post.